It was a dark and stormy night. The wind had picked up wildly, pushing and pulling the palm trees and the gum trees, their branches vainly attempting to hold on. The lamp illuminating the pool area shook wildly, casting shadows where no shadows had gone before. The metal fencing creaked, the gate rattled. Unknown creatures lurked behind every noise and shadow, waiting for me to get out of the pool.
I was swimming after dark, the water was warm but the wind was almost icy. It was best to keep all bare skin under the surface, except the face (because, as much as I like to pretend otherwise, I’m not really an amphibian). I was all alone. I was surrounded by townhouses but everyone was inside, behind screen doors and open windows. I let my body go dead weight, to see whether I’d float or sink if I were to… no, better not write the next bit; my temporary housemate might forcibly send me to the shrink. My legs and most of my lower torso floated; my upper torso and head sank. I got a lot of water up my nostrils, spluttered — it was scientifically proven right then that chlorine water is sharp up the nose. Another thought entered my head: what else is in that pool other than chlorinated water? I had heard kids splashing in it earlier after they’d come home from school… I coughed a little harder. Expectorated outside the pool. Contemplated getting out but it was warm in the water, cold outside.
A loud bang! So loud that it made me jump out of my skin. I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid yet I heard it so clearly. It was so loud. My heart pounded hard. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Well, as much as wet hair can stand. I spun around in the pool, treaded water and scanned the dark corners and shadows. Oh my God — what was that? Did I just see a dark figure moving around past the cars in the carpark just beyond the fence? Oh God — maybe it’s Bill or one of those vampires from True Blood, which I’d been watching all day long. They’re on my mind. The theme song is permanently stuck in my head. Inexplicably, I even found the sex scenes a bit disconcerting. And I had been planning on having a medium-to-rare steak for dinner. Nothing else, just steak. Bloody, juicy steak.
True Blood. True Blood. I did nothing all day except cruise porn job websites and watch True Blood. They’re on my mind, they’re in my blood, they’re in my veins. Vampires. Fangs. Awesome white, shiny, dead-straight American teeth. Anna Paquin’s front gap teeth.
God hates fangs. Ha ha ha. Good one.
Then out of nowhere, guilt struck me. My conscious berated me for spending all day on the couch, sometimes with laptop, sometimes without, watching True Blood. Shit, Bron. You quit your job, you moved interstate, you wanted a new start. And you’re wasting time on some television show all day long.
But… but… but I was surfing job websites and bookmarking interesting jobs! Besides, it’s the end of the year, there aren’t that many jobs going at the moment.
Oh sheesh. Get a clue, ya unemployed bum.
Irritated, I told myself to stop being silly and stop jumping at shadows. Just when I was starting to be a little more mature, something long, thin and … something wrapped itself around my left arm. I opened my mouth to scream but swallowed a gallon of God-only-knows-what’s-in-this-water instead.
Right, that’s it, I’m getting out now, I thought. Too many noises, too many shadows, too many strange objects in the water that I can’t see, too many vampires lurking in the dark. They come out at night, you know.
As I scurried back home, I thought to myself, wryly, all I need now is a goddamned black cat to walk in front of me and my paranoia and being spooked out would be complete. Yes, yes, that’s all I need…
… and right on cue, A FUCKING BLACK CAT CAME HURTLING OUT OF THE BUSHES YOWLING ITS HEAD OFF.
Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever. Babble babble blubber blubber.
Before I grabbed the nearest stake, I realised that the black cat was in fact the local cat, Sox the Third, named so by me with no consultation with anyone whatsoever, because I’ve previously had cats called Sox the First and Sox the Second. Black cats with white paws, see. Little bastard.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will get out of the house and forget Bill, Eric, Sookie (what a fucking stupid name for a character — but it is the Deep South after all) and the rest.
I’ll start exploring Brisbane. I’ll beat the heat. And I’ll go get a job. After all, I don’t want to be another unemployed Queensland blogger.
Addendum:
This post has absolutely no purpose, no point, other than to fill in time as an unemployed bum and write in an erratic manner. It was also inspired by my fright night, what with vampires, things in the water, diseased water and a hungry black cat with white socks. Oh, and also because I had some help from my friends on Twitter. You know who you are.
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